Death…We can’t outlive out final destination nor can we stop the process of death. It is bound to happen and every breath we take brings us one step closer to the end of our journey here on earth and if and only IF we have been obedient enough we just may be able to experience an eternal life and if not, then we just rot in hell!?! For several years now, I’ve always wondered if this life we live today is the afterlife of one that we’ve already fucked up and we have been given another chance to prove our humanity our discipline, our integrity, our purpose, our love, our humiliation. Maybe I am the only moron that feels this way but why else would this world be so screwed up with some much ugliness if we weren’t stuck here with a few billion rejects? And maybe the handful of decent people on this planet is here to guide us in the right direction. So is this essentially our last attempt at life, love, joy and living a purpose filling life? How many of us are on the right path of an everlasting life? Personally, my attempts have been generous and a substantial amount of efforts has been put into my life thus far but have I perfected this or even come close to accomplishing the ability to love completely, to live every day to its fullest, to celebrate the joys in my life and to live without fear? No! Not even close enough to pat myself on the back for all of the other hurdles that I have overcome in the past 25 years! All of demons that I have defeated, all of the tests in life that I have had to overcome, all of the people who told me that I could never have a fulfilling future, all of the men who told me I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough or anyone who attempted to kick me when I was at my lowest in life! Not even these experiences have completely opened my heart to make the changes in my life that need to be done before my time expires. But don’t me wrong, just because I have not achieved the level of living a fully spiritual life doesn’t mean that I have given into Satan. No, I am just more aware of my actions and feel more of my pain when I have fallen or when I have failed myself or others. The only difference between now and 25 years ago is that today, I know what love is and in return I have emotions, feelings and I sincerely care for others. But is any of this good enough? Or does any of this really even matter? Or are we just in the afterlife floating by until our time has come? We live, we grow, we love, we fail, conquer, we fall on our knees, and then we realize all of the past mistakes we have made and try to make things right and then we die.
Every single day, I ask myself “Will this be my last day?”, “If so, how will this come to an end?”, “Will I terribly fail on my judgment day?” What will happen to my children? Who will protect them and love them? Will everyone forget about me as time passes by? So many crazy thoughts that go through my mind and so many unanswered questions.