Death…We can’t outlive out final destination nor can we stop the process of death. It is bound to happen and every breath we take brings us one step closer to the end of our journey here on earth and if and only IF we have been obedient enough we just may be able to experience an eternal life and if not, then we just rot in hell!?! For several years now, I’ve always wondered if this life we live today is the afterlife of one that we’ve already fucked up and we have been given another chance to prove our humanity our discipline, our integrity, our purpose, our love, our humiliation. Maybe I am the only moron that feels this way but why else would this world be so screwed up with some much ugliness if we weren’t stuck here with a few billion rejects? And maybe the handful of decent people on this planet is here to guide us in the right direction. So is this essentially our last attempt at life, love, joy and living a purpose filling life? How many of us are on the right path of an everlasting life? Personally, my attempts have been generous and a substantial amount of efforts has been put into my life thus far but have I perfected this or even come close to accomplishing the ability to love completely, to live every day to its fullest, to celebrate the joys in my life and to live without fear? No! Not even close enough to pat myself on the back for all of the other hurdles that I have overcome in the past 25 years! All of demons that I have defeated, all of the tests in life that I have had to overcome, all of the people who told me that I could never have a fulfilling future, all of the men who told me I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough or anyone who attempted to kick me when I was at my lowest in life! Not even these experiences have completely opened my heart to make the changes in my life that need to be done before my time expires. But don’t me wrong, just because I have not achieved the level of living a fully spiritual life doesn’t mean that I have given into Satan. No, I am just more aware of my actions and feel more of my pain when I have fallen or when I have failed myself or others. The only difference between now and 25 years ago is that today, I know what love is and in return I have emotions, feelings and I sincerely care for others. But is any of this good enough? Or does any of this really even matter? Or are we just in the afterlife floating by until our time has come? We live, we grow, we love, we fail, conquer, we fall on our knees, and then we realize all of the past mistakes we have made and try to make things right and then we die.
Every single day, I ask myself “Will this be my last day?”, “If so, how will this come to an end?”, “Will I terribly fail on my judgment day?” What will happen to my children? Who will protect them and love them? Will everyone forget about me as time passes by? So many crazy thoughts that go through my mind and so many unanswered questions.
Looks pretty black and white at times…our path? But really we don’t have much control in our destinations. We may think we are in full control but if one would reflect on their lives and plans, how many times did everything fall into place the way it was envisioned or planned out? Probably not often! Something changed along that path, something didn’t go as planned or maybe one thought they were heading down the wrong path and realized that it was the right one all along. We weren’t built with GPS’s and at any given moment, ones path could change. Be wise and don’t take loved ones for granted, keep them close and express your love every opportunity that you have. Don’t let one or a few bad turns dictate your future path either. These roads were created for us to embrace, love and release our fears.
This isn’t how an angel cries..
Can you breathe? At this moment…in this moment? The moment of the highest point of your anxiety? With all that life throws in your direction? Can you feel your heart beating through your chest when the tension is felt from the center of your chest to the back of your neck? Can you breathe when it feels like there is not a soul on this earth that understand you or has the capability to understand your breed? When it feels like your thoughts are pouring out in all different directions but the right direction? Can you breathe when you have so much love and thoughts that you need to express but you can’t ….breathe…? That you can’t move, that you can’t ….can’t…can’t…talk…turn…function…sleep…articulate your thoughts that you can’t sort out because your thoughts are so confusing and cluttered that only you can understand and once again….you are all alone…trying to breathe, trying to feel normal in the fucked up world. In this life where everyone is misunderstood and no one is normal anymore, everything is ass backwards and nothing makes any sense. Things are out of control from the government to the pure ignorance of humans today. People have lost their values in pursuit of money!! They have sold their souls in hopes of achieving the unacceptable! We were created out of love but we behave out of selfishness and live with no fucking direction! Who know right from wrong anymore when everyone is behaving like heathens…when sex is more important than love!! Where has the love gone to? Why get married when we can just fuck!!! Random thoughts, random ideas, randomness of nothingness is still something in my thoughts of life…still searching for a breath to express my nonsense thoughts, for someone to understand…for me to understand…why.. but in order for one to understand me, I must learn how to articulate my fucked up thoughts, my fucked up views, my fucked up confusion of thoughts that only make sense to me when I write them down. Only at this time can I breathe, and feel at ease with my mind, my cluttered mind of thoughts that ultimately become my worse enemy again.
So over the weekend, we took a drive in hopes of getting lost and run into something beautiful to capture. Well during our adventure Roger spotted these beautiful rays coming through the clouds and he quickly turned around and I captured the moment. Now I am not 100% pleased with these photos, but that is my problem, I am never visually satisfied with my photographs and I am unable to decide if I prefer the color or the black and white.
Well it’s been a few weeks or maybe even a few months since I’ve last updated my blog. Why..well because I don’t know about most photographers, but I occasionally will either lose my creativity or I just get tired of my work. At times, if I have a planned outing I struggle trying to find motivation compared to a non planned outing and just happen to capture that moment. For a while there I was lugging my camera everywhere, to the point where it just became extra weight and not a tool for my creativity. Well it’s time again; I am regaining that urge to create…create a moment..capture a smile, a sunset, a strangers smile, movement, life, LOVE!!! I can feel it so much running through me that I feel anxious, anxious to make something happen to see something created! So how will I fulfill this urge? Not sure yet, but it will happen soon! Will I keep up this blog? Most likely but I also have a website to publish but I am struggling with the name. What are my plans with my work? I don’t know…I just want to enjoy the moment of creativity, of capturing, of listening, of enjoying, of loving…living and smiling J Everything else will fall into place if I continue to have faith and work at the things that matter to me in life.