Day 10/Lesson 5

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Yes, I have skipped a few days of posting but that doesn’t mean I have completely lost my focus. Facebook is not even a concern of mine and I have been able let go of the anxiety of not staying connected.

This weekend was a good weekend; a bit emotional but I understood and will move forward. I am not here to understand everything all of the time but I am here to listen and even though I thought God was calling me to accomplish something I realized that now is not the time. As hard as it was for me to hear this in such a harsh manner from someone I love deeply, I will respect it and let it go.

Lesson 5
I am never upset for the reason I think.

This idea, like the preceding one, can be used with any person, situation or event you think is causing you pain. Apply it specifically to whatever you believe is the cause of your upset, using the description of the feeling in whatever term seems accurate to you. The upset may seem to be fear, worry, depression, anxiety, anger, hatred, jealousy or any number of forms, all of which will be perceived as different. This is not true. However, until you learn that form does not matter, each form becomes a proper subject for the exercises for the day. Applying the same idea to each of them separately is the first step in ultimately recognizing they are all the same.

When using the idea for today for a specific perceived cause of an upset in any form, use both the name of the form in which you see the upset, and the cause which you ascribe to it. For example:

I am not angry at ___ for the reason I think.
I am not afraid of ___ for the reason I think.

But again, this should not be substituted for practice periods in which you first search your mind for “sources” of upset in which you believe, and forms of upset which you think result.

In these exercises, more than in the preceding ones, you may find it hard to be indiscriminate, and to avoid giving greater weight to some subjects than to others. It might help to precede the exercises with the statement:

There are no small upsets.
They are all equally disturbing to my peace of mind.

Then examine your mind for whatever is distressing you, regardless of how much or how little you think it is doing so.

You may also find yourself less willing to apply today’s idea to some perceived sources of upset than to others. If this occurs, think first of this:

I cannot keep this form of upset and let the others go.
For the purposes of these exercises, then, I will regard them all as the same.

Then search your mind for no more than a minute or so, and try to identify a number of different forms of upset that are disturbing you, regardless of the relative importance you may give them. Apply the idea for today to each of them, using the name of both the source of the upset as you perceive it, and of the feeling as you experience it. Further examples are:

I am not worried about ___ for the reason I think.
I am not depressed about ___ for the reason I think.

Three or four times during the day is enough.

Day 6/Lesson 4

Today this lesson is difficult one because what I am feeling has really upset me today and I am unable to shake this. Fear immediately has sunken in and I must just have faith.

These thoughts do not mean anything.
They are like the things I see in this room
[on this street, from this window, in this place].

Unlike the preceding ones, these exercises do not begin with the idea for the day. In these practice periods, begin with noting the thoughts that are crossing your mind for about a minute. Then apply the idea to them. If you are already aware of unhappy thoughts, use them as subjects for the idea. Do not, however, select only the thoughts you think are “bad.” You will find, if you train yourself to look at your thoughts, that they represent such a mixture that, in a sense, none of them can be called “good” or “bad.” This is why they do not mean anything.

In selecting the subjects for the application of today’s idea, the usual specificity is required. Do not be afraid to use “good” thoughts as well as “bad.” None of them represents your real thoughts, which are being covered up by them. The “good” ones are but shadows of what lies beyond, and shadows make sight difficult. The “bad” ones are blocks to sight, and make seeing impossible. You do not want either.

This is a major exercise, and will be repeated from time to time in somewhat different form. The aim here is to train you in the first steps toward the goal of separating the meaningless from the meaningful. It is a first attempt in the long-range purpose of learning to see the meaningless as outside you, and the meaningful within. It is also the beginning of training your mind to recognize what is the same and what is different.

In using your thoughts for application of the idea for today, identify each thought by the central figure or event it contains; for example:

This thought about ___ does not mean anything.
It is like the things I see in this room [on this street, and so on].

You can also use the idea for a particular thought that you recognize as harmful. This practice is useful, but is not a substitute for the more random procedures to be followed for the exercises. Do not, however, examine your mind for more than a minute or so. You are too inexperienced as yet to avoid a tendency to become pointlessly preoccupied.

Further, since these exercises are the first of their kind, you may find the suspension of judgment in connection with thoughts particularly difficult. Do not repeat these exercises more than three or four times during the day. We will return to them later.

Day 5/Lesson 3

Today I will focus on clearing my mind of fear .  Fear can overcome me at times and sometime it can defeat me.  But not today!

I do not understand anything I see in this room

[on this street, from this window, in this place].

Apply this idea in the same way as the previous ones, without making distinctions of any kind. Whatever you see becomes a proper subject for applying the idea. Be sure that you do not question the suitability of anything for application of the idea. These are not exercises in judgment. Anything is suitable if you see it. Some of the things you see may have emotionally charged meaning for you. Try to lay such feelings aside, and merely use these things exactly as you would anything else.

The point of the exercises is to help you clear your mind of all past associations, to see things exactly as they appear to you now, and to realize how little you really understand about them. It is therefore essential that you keep a perfectly open mind, unhampered by judgment, in selecting the things to which the idea for the day is to be applied. For this purpose one thing is like another; equally suitable and therefore equally useful.

Day 4/Lesson 2

More often than not, I have said to myself “you know, you have come a long way from where you have started…but you aren’t done yet..Not even close!” meaning that there is a lot of pavement that I have not allowed for Him to lay down in my life as of yet. Why? Well I guess for several selfish reasons but that’s neither here nor there and I am in the place right now where I am ready to turn this chapter in my life in order to better myself and everyone around me.

Ok, so let’s rewind for a quick moment..so this all started in 2002 when I had pretty much hit rock bottom (again!) but this time was different, this time around I prayed, listened and responded. God has heard my cries many times before and blessed me with miracles but I really never took the time to listen, just received and kept living my life until disaster hit again. Well God sure does work in wonderful ways because I was on the verge of just giving up. I was single with two young children, living off barely anything. In two years, I moved from my best friend’s attic, to an empty office space, to an efficiency apartment in the city, to a one bedroom, to my fathers spare room, to a 2 BR apartment on top of someones garage and eventually lost custody of my son!! Yes it was a whirlwind that just never wanted to end!! All I wanted was the best for my kids and I felt like I just wasn’t cut out for this part in life and I was failing them tremendously!!

Well I don’t remember all the steps involved but ultimately God led me to this woman who I worked with who knew that I was in pure agony without me saying a word. She came by my desk one day and said “you should read this, it will change everything..trust me”. She placed this booked called A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles” on my desk. I just glared at this book thinking “really” I HATE reading!!! Why must I do this? Wait I have a choice and for a few days it got tossed around from my desk, to my purse, to my car and eventually back on my desk and this is where I began reading the book. Instead of going out for lunch, I decided to open up this book and force myself to read! This co-worker spoke very highly of this book so I thought I’d give it a try. Wow! How I allowed this book to change my life was unreal! She shared a reflection on A Course in Miracles and her insight on the application of love in the search of inner peace and forgiveness. First of all, before reading this book and understanding what it took to love myself and others, I had no way to love anyone around me. Yes, I was clueless but this book brought light to my life!  I could go on and on about this book for pages and pages but my point here is that God works miracles!! Everything changed from that point forward and I told myself that one day, I must be disciplined enough to read A Course in Miracles and I have told myself for almost 12 years that I would do this and every time I began, I would stop!! Well here we go again and I somehow want to incorporate daily readings of the bible into this goal of mine!  I was able to accomplish this today, but this is just day one!! 

Lesson one:
Nothing I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place] means anything.

Lesson two:
I have given everything I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place] all the meaning that it has for me.

A Course in Miracles is a complete self-study spiritual thought system. As a three-volume curriculum consisting of a Text, workbook for Students, and Manual for Teachers, it teaches that the way to universal love and peace—or remembering God—is by undoing guilt through forgiving others. The Course thus focuses on the healing of relationships and making them holy. A Course in Miracles also emphasizes that it is but one version of the universal curriculum, of which there are “many thousands.” Consequently, even though the language of the Course is that of traditional Christianity, it expresses a non-sectarian, non-denominational spirituality. A Course in Miracles therefore is a universal spiritual teaching, not a religion.

“This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary. Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum. It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time. The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence, which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite.”This Course can therefore be summed up very simply in this way:

“Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists.Herein lies the peace of God.”

By mystorymyperspective Posted in Life Tagged

Day 3 without social media

The day after my 38th birthday, I decided to eliminate Social medical including but not limited to Facebook, Instagram and tumblr with the one exception of twitter (but only ONE page) for 30 days straight!  This decision was made based on the amount of time that I spent updating, commenting, searching, liking, viewing, and using social media as a crutch to stay in touch with family and friends.  It was becoming more and more apparent the need for me to remove this crutch from my life as I laid in my bed for hours(!) looking at this device while my youngest would ask me a question and I would tell her “wait one moment as I update my post” or “wait a minute as I read this comment” or “just give me a minute until I am done…I am in the middle of something”.  Something? Really I was in the middle of an illusion of this non-existent time that I had built into my life, this wedge, this emptiness and just so willingly throwing away my time..for what? Self gratification to have the knowledge of what 130 of my so-called friends that I never speak with were doing in their life? I had created this special list on Facebook that was labeled “close friends”, well this is where I placed all my family members ,best friends and the love of my life in and this is how I kept up to date with their lives..REALLY???  Every morning when I logged into FB, I made sure I checked this list first to see what they have done, what links or photos they liked and view any pictures they uploaded.  After that I consumed the majority of my time viewing the other friends on my list and yes, this consumed hours and hours of my day.

For me, social medial (AKA Facebook) was becoming too time consuming and I had nothing to show for it.  My creativity was quickly declining or how about non-existent, my communication skills aren’t the best to begin with and this sure in the hell didn’t help and everything around me was quickly on a decline.  Now you are probably asking yourself..”Does all this circle back to being on Facebook too much” well not completely but I do know this…it wasn’t helping, it wasn’t making anything better, it wasn’t giving me more time or awareness.  More time to focus on my spiritual interest, my desire to become closer to God, time with my family and the man who I love.  It was just an invisible sponge that was sucking away my life, my time with my loved ones time, time with friends, time in completing my daily tasks at work.  Everything was getting put next or on the back burner and yes for Facebook.

So I needed to make a decision…to become more aware.

“the mind is everything what we think is what we become”

By mystorymyperspective Posted in Life
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Friday’s night drive

Friday's night drive

February 22, 2013 was one of the nicest birthday’s that I’ve ever had in a LONG time.  In the past, I never really cared to celebrate these days because I always thought about it as just another day.  This this past weekend was so different! I can’t even exactly explain the feeling of love that I felt but it was amazing and so is this man I have fallen in love with. I hope that he realized everything he means to me and how much he has changed my view about life.  This path of mine doesn’t seem so lonely anymore.  I love you Roger! Thank you for being you! Thank you for caring! Thank you for loving me! I don’t know if I could ever express enough to you how much you mean to me but there will never be a day that I don’t tell you or take you for granted!

Can you promise me?

Promise me the day that your heart doesn’t skip a beat when you feel my touch that you will set me free..

Promise me the day that you wake up and question who I am, that you will have enough strength to move on without me..

Promise me that if the day ever came and I couldn’t make you smile with my love that you would know how to respectfully end this chapter..

Promise me that you wouldn’t hold onto this for all the wrong reasons..

Promise me that if you ever looked into my eyes and felt empty and lost that you’d save us both the agony of the mutual emptiness and just let go…

Promise me if you ever feel as though this isn’t worth it any longer that you would walk away knowing that at one time it was worth it all!

Promise that you will have enough strength, enough love, courage, pride, and appreciation of this lifetime that you will not waste this borrowed time…

Can you promise me this?

I can promise you..

That the day that I don’t miss your kisses in the morning, or crave to feel your arms wrapped around me while you tell me that you love me…I promise I will let you go

I promise you that if I stop looking forward to hearing your voice, watching you interact with my children or stop wanting to hear your political views that I will move on without you…

I promise you that if the day ever came and I can no longer feel the warmth of your love that I would set this free

I promise you the day that I have no desire to come home to your smile and hear about your day that I will not waste your time…

That as long as I look at you and I feel the love in your eyes, your touch, your hug, your kiss that I am not going anywhere without a fight.

…. But I will respectfully step away if I was told that my love is no longer desired, wanted or craved….

By mystorymyperspective Posted in Life
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LOOK

LOOK

Look!

Look at me

Look at this crazy world

Look at your reflection

Look at this mess

Look at the beauty of this mess

Look at the blue clouds

Look, no one is perfect

Look past ones good intentions

Look in the mirror, you are beautiful

Look deeper than the outer shell of ones existence

Look further than the  predetermined expectations

Look, I am tired of all judgment

Look into my eyes

Look, are you listening to me

Look in the mirror…..

Look, do you understand

Look, this life is not an illusion only our past thoughts are

Look over my past, my flaws, my failures, my imperfections, my mistakes

Look, forgive me for I have sinned……

Just Look!

Look at this life

Look how much you have accomplished

Look at ones intentions

Look at your GIFT(S)

Look in the present moment

Look for good in all

Look for positive change

Look at all the possibilities

Look at what could be accomplished

Look at creation

Look how we could make this a better world

Look!

Just Look where you are going and try not to hurt anyone along your journey….

Random Food for thought

This is something I wrote almost a year ago and thought I’d post it here so I could document some of my thinking…

I don’t want to talk!

There are so many people in my life circle

Yet so far and few in between that understand me

Or even really know me

What makes me tick and what ticks me off!!

My outer shell is reserved..quiet and caring..but there is so much more

But if one would just take the time to peel back the layers

One would understand me and appreciate me!

Sincerely embrace my thoughts, my views, my opinions, my tears, my fears, my heart

What makes me or breaks me down to my knees

What warms my heart and uplifts my spirits

Instead some are intrigued by my outer shell and just want to learn enough to scrap the surface for them not to feel guilt of selfishness

And then they question..why does she hold back, why does she not disclose, why won’t she pick up her fucking phone?

Why?? Why you ask..because so many “friends” are so fucking transparent…so selfish and so fucking clueless

Once they arrive at their final destination then I am just another contact in their list

The contact list a mile long of layers that never were appreciated or undiscovered

So don’t judge me if I wish not to entertain and pointless conversation if you don’t want to take the time to invest in me..us..the journey of life, of appreciation

The time to work at something that is so fragile and delicate is apparently too much of a burden for some individuals

Work that requires time, love and a fucking heart

What if…..

What if tomorrow was different

What if your purpose was present

What if your pain was absent from your heart

What if….

The sky was filled with hope

The scent taken in was as fresh as your dreams

The touch felt was just as magical as yesterday

What if….

You released your fears and felt no boundaries

What if the tension and worries were non existent

What if tomorrow was different and yesterday never returned

What if….

The time passed was filled with only love

The desire to make a difference was present

The present was exactly where you wanted to be

What if…..

We walked with God every day of every moment

What if we took our purpose and made the change

What if the pain would dissipate

What if ….

There were no judgments

What if the tears would stop falling

What if I could erase the scars

Could you…

love me

Could you forgive me

Could you understand me

Could you be in my presence and not be ashamed

Could you be patient

Could you listen to my words

Could you hear my thoughts

Could you pause and realize that I am truly here?

What if……….